I’ve been on this serious emotional rollercoaster the past couple weeks. I feel so alone. Sure, its not like I don’t have friends. But, I guess I don’t have the right ones. The kind that will fill my voided heart.
CM & I are no longer friends. I put the final goodbye on that over a month ago. I just couldn’t take her attitude. I couldn’t take her talking about a different guy every 3 days. I couldn’t take her blowing up on me when I tried to tell her about the one little thing that bothered me. That’s where it ended. I was just sick of her putting blame all on me. I couldn’t say anything to her if I was upset. It was too taxing to go every couple of months fine & then get into a huge fight when I wanted to say something that bothered me. I do miss her. No doubt about that. But, at the same time, she is just very uncaring & selfish. I want to fill my life with people that aren’t that way.
Clearly, there is a lack of them in CT.
I’ve spent a good amount of time hanging with CM’s little cousin KelKel though. She is a very mature 17 yr old, but LB is right, I need someone my own age. And someone with money. She doesn’t have a job, so a lot of time, I end up buying her food. And lately, it’s gotten kinda annoying.
And yes, LB & I are back together. (again, for the 11,000th time). I don’t what to do. I mean I love him a lot, obviously thats why I keep going back. But, I need to break this cycle. Like I’ve said before, it’s not that he isn’t a great guy, he’s just not a great boyfriend. He never helps me out when I need it.
Like this morning. His mom is out of town for business, so I had to bring Mulli to doggie daycare. I knew LB would be home when I went to pick Mull up, so I asked him the night before to do one simple thing. To bring Mull outside to do his business before I got there. I walk in, & lo & behold, he’s asleep & Mulli is under the covers with him. So of course I have to wait for Mull to do his thing, which puts me behind like 5 mins.
It’s just those simple things that I want done. And it makes me really upset nowadays. Before, it used to make me mad, but now I think about & wonder why I’m not good enough to have some help. I hate playing the pity part, but it’s gotten there. I do tons of things for LB & help him out. He thinks helping me out is paying for my ticket at the hockey game. I keep telling him buying me things doesn’t make me happy. I guess he doesn’t get it.
I just want him to come home from work & give me a kiss & act like he cares to see me. Instead, I’m always met with hi hunni as he plops onto his chair & turns his xbox on. He plays all night long, & then gets into bed & that’s that. Yesterday, I yelled at him about it. He doesn’t understand that I feel like absolute shit because of it. It’s no longer angry Nickie, it’s why am I not good enough Nickie.
I’m just so sick of people. I honestly feel really really alone & I spend a good part of my day thinking about it. I love Tumblr, I do. I’ve met some really nice people, but no one that seems to want to make the next step from online friends to real life friends. I’ve been hitting up the local vw owners on fb chat that I met on Tumblr, but I feel like I annoy them.
Which completely brings me back to feeling like shit. It makes me wonder what I don’t have that makes people want to befriend me. People will talk to me for about 5 mins, then they’ll just stop. Everyone up here is way too into themselves & I absolutely hate it.
I just want to move South. To Alabama to be exact. I met my friend ‘Pun’ (i think i talked about him before) via xbox. And he is the sweetest guy ever. Whenever I feel like crap, he is always there for me. He is honestly me but in boy form. (haha) But, honestly he makes me feel like people down there would treat me so much better. And you guys know I love love love the South. Hopefully, I’ll be able to visit this spring. (:
I’m sorry I’m not the prettiest, or that my car is the best looking. I’m sorry that I can be weird. I’m sorry that I’m so nice to people. But this is me. And people up here just don’t give a fuck about who “you” is. They just care about themselves & at the end of the day, it makes you just wanna curl in a ball & cry.
I’m the northern girl with a southern heart.
learnxtoxfly.wordpress.com 
You know, I have to say AL would be great (and not just because I live here too) ….. lol
You are awesome and amazing, and really that BF of yours is more of just the Mr. Right Now as opposed to Mr. Right. Imagine if you two had a kid? He’d def. not seem to be the type to help out with that. 😦
Aww thank you! And i agree x1000 that alabama would be amazing!
I’ve thought the same about the future. I always tell him that & he assures me it won’t happen, but judging by his track record it just might. Ahhh life sucks sometimes. hahah.
(((hugs)))
Making new friends is really difficult, but you just have to keep putting yourself out there. I’ve been trying to find clubs/activities in the area in order to meet people with similar interest.
I think it’s great that you’re not afraid to move around. The different cultures and types of people are so different around the world, and it’s great to experience that while you’re young. If you want to move to AL, for example, just do it….find a job & a cheap apartment and you can be there in just over a day’s drive!